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Basic Dating Etiquette for Women
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
Want to make a good impression on the man you’re with?
Here are some suggestions to help your date realize how lovely you are:
Don’t chase him.
A number of promising relationships are cut short because a woman made the man she was dating uncomfortable or “scared him off” by pursuing him or prematurely expressing her feelings for him. Even though we observe gender equality in many realms of life, when it comes to dating men still need to feel that they are the pursuer in a relationship. That means that they do the asking out, and they do the telephoning, during the early and middle stages of a courtship.
Most men also need to feel that a courtship is developing at a pace they are comfortable with. Dating partners often develop their sense of emotional connectivity to the other at different rates. Many women understand this intuitively. A woman can be patient with herself if the man she is dating demonstrates that he’s become emotionally invested in their courtship before she feels the same way about him. However, it doesn’t work the same way for most men. If a woman expresses her strong feelings to her date before he is at a similar stage, he’s likely to panic, and in turn do what most people do when they panic – flee. It’s wiser for a woman to keep her strong feelings to herself, watch the courtship develop, and allow her dating partner to be the first one to talk deeply about his emotions.
Not chasing a man doesn’t only mean not expressing, “I really, really like you” before he’s ready to hear it. It also means not telephoning him to see if he wants to go out again, making it clear during a date that you expect him to want to continue to go out, or calling him up if you haven’t heard from him in a few days.
Don’t bring desperation and bitterness along on your date.
It isn’t uncommon for someone who has been dating for a long time to feel so bad about her situation that she develops a bitter or desperate edge to the way she carries herself. It is understandable – she’s in a lot of pain. Most people who project their anger and bitterness do so unconsciously. They know that it is an unattractive quality that turns people off. Unfortunately, they often don’t realize that their bad feelings are obvious to whomever they are with.
If you are angry, very disappointed, or very intent on accomplishing your goal of marriage, you could inadvertently be projecting these strong feelings on your dates and scaring off someone who might be right for you. We encourage you to ask your friends to be frank with you about whether they’ve observed that you have a bitter or desperate edge, and to ask some of the people who try to set you up if anyone has ever mentioned this to them. If you learn that this is a problem for you, then figure out how you want to deal with these feelings so you don’t project them in the future.
In any of these scenarios, it’s often a good idea for you to diplomatically let your dating partner know that its time to wrap things up. “I’m having a nice time, but I think we’ve forgotten to pay attention to the clock. It’s already 11:30, and I have to be up very early tomorrow,” or “I enjoy talking to you and wish I didn’t have to interrupt our conversation, but I can’t believe how late it is.” Most men will get the hint and appreciate your diplomacy.
Consider whether a man who may not be right for you may be a good match for one of your friends, co-workers, or roommates.
You can telephone him a short while after you’ve stopped dating to say, “Even though it didn’t work out for us, I think that you might be a good person for my friend, Sara, to meet. I called to see if you’d like to talk about my suggestion.” If you’re uncomfortable calling a man, enlist the help of a third party, such as the person who originally set the two of you up, or a mutual friend.
Don’t think of the date as being over before it’s even started.
You’ve had a hard day and you’re in no mood to go out, but it’s too late to ask him to change the date for another evening. Do you drag yourself to the date, without bothering to change your outfit, freshen your make-up, or working on improving your mood? That’s not fair to either of you. You’ve been able to talk yourself into things before, and you can talk yourself into this date, too. Take a quick rest, have a cup of coffee, freshen your look, and tell yourself that he may be a great person for you to meet – if not for you, then for one of your friends.
It’s not a free meal.
We’d like to believe that this scenario doesn’t happen in the frum community, but it does: A man takes a woman to a nice restaurant on their first date. She orders an expensive meal, possibly a few courses, but barely touches her food. “I can’t eat so much at night” she explains to her date, and asks the waiter for a doggy bag. Of course, she’s never going to say yes to a second date, and she may not be very pleasant to be with on this date, either. Meanwhile, the poor guy who began the evening hoping that this new dating partner had potential realizes he’s simply a vehicle for her to get a free meal.
In a culture in which most people are dating for marriage, this scenario is ginevas da’as, at the very least. In addition, dating takes a big chunk out of most men’s budgets, and we women owe them some consideration for this. If you’re not interested in going out with a man, don’t waste his time and money. If you go on a date with good intentions and realize that he’s not for you, be considerate of his wallet at the same time that you try to make the best of the evening. He may still be good company for a pleasant evening, and either of you may ultimately decide to set the other up with a friend who’s more suitable.
Don’t avoid his call because you don’t know how to turn him down.
Do you hope he’ll finally give up trying? Well, don’t you get angry if you never hear from a guy after a date, even if it’s just to tell you he doesn’t think you’re right for each other and give you closure? The man you just dated deserves that as well. Learn how to say, “Thank you for calling and asking me out again. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we are right for each other/moving in the same direction in life. I appreciate your call nevertheless. Goodbye.”
Know how to end a date that’s getting too long when he doesn’t know how.
When a date seems to be going well, the man you’re with may lose track of time. Or, he may worry that if he ends the evening the wrong way, you’ll get offended and not want to go out again. You may also be on a date that your beau seems to be enjoying, even though you don’t feel the same way.
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