 |
Conversations to Explore When You're Dating
Ever wonder what to talk about on a date? When to share something personal?
What you must discuss before deciding to marry?
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
Marriage-minded daters often wonder what they should talk about at different stages of a courtship. Even people with good conversational skills may be uncomfortable breaking the ice with someone new, or wonder when to switch from light topics of discussion to ones that are more serious. Someone who feels comfortable discussing just about anything with a new date, and doesn't seem to run out of topics to talk about as the weeks go by, might nevertheless overlook certain subjects that help them gain insight into the a dating partner's philosophy of life, goals for the future, and approach to different life situations.
The search for a marriage partner involves more than finding someone to love. It’s essentially a search for someone to build a satisfying, enduring life with. A dating couple should view their courtship as a time to connect to each other emotionally, have fun together, observe each other in different life situations, and learn about each other’s significant life experiences, value systems, points of view, and expectations.
How do you do all of this? By balancing the enjoyable aspects of dating with making dates purposeful. Before each date, think of a few things you’d like to discover about your dating partner, or share about yourself, and introduce them into your conversation. As time goes on, you’ll learn a great deal about each other. We've compiled a number of suggested topics and questions that can help our readers get past the initial awkwardness of their first few dates, begin to relate to each other, gain insight into each other's personalities, and learn more about what makes their dating partner "tick".
What to Talk About on the First Few Dates
One of the ways to figure out what to discuss on a date is to understand what should take place during each stage of courtship. For example, a couple who is meeting for the first time needs to break the ice, get a general sense of what each other is like, and see if they have enough in common to be able to go on a second date. The second date is an opportunity to see each other a little more clearly and decide if they would like to get to know each other better. Conversation during this "meeting each other" stage of dating usually consists of "airplane talk" – the kind of discussions people may have with a stranger they sit next to on an airplane and may never see again. In other words, this isn’t a time to reveal deep, dark secrets or highly personal information. There is also room for some lighter conversations that begin to show each person's tastes, interests, and way of thinking.
Good topics and questions for the earliest stage of dating include:
• Jewish "geography"
• Your family and educational background
• What you are currently doing with your life
• What made you choose your career/course of study/yeshiva/seminary/college
• What you like about it/dislike about it
• Where you see yourself in five years, and ten years, and how you hope to "get" there
• The person you most admire and how they inspire you
• What interests you, and why you seem to be drawn to it
• Your favorite hobby, why it appeals to you, how you follow it
• Describe what feel is the most satisfying achievement of your life.
• Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Do you think you will ever be able to do it?
• An interesting article you've read and your reaction to it, even if the topic is controversial
• The best vacation you ever took and why it was so great
• The most interesting experience you ever had at work or school
Some people find it easier to mentally review the content of their conversations before they go out. You can see if dating is easier when you take some pre-date time to think through certain ideas and how you will present them.
If you find yourself monopolizing the conversation, stop yourself and start asking questions so that your date can talk about the same topic. Don't be afraid to get off on a tangent, or to ask questions such as, "How did that make you feel?" "What was it like?" "What did it look like?"
Its okay if you get off track during the conversation because one of you makes a comment that reminds the other of a story or something you want to share. Let the conversation flow – you can come back to your original topic later.
Topics to Help You Get to Know Each Other Better
By the third date, you probably feel a little more comfortable with each other and will find it somewhat easier to talk to each other. During the next stage of dating, certain questions and subjects will help you learn more about each other's personalities, experiences, philosophy of life, interests, opinions, reactions to different situations, and ways of thinking. Here are some topics to consider over the next several dates:
• What you like to do for "fun" what why that is enjoyable for you
• What it was like growing up in your hometown/in your family
• The experiences that had a positive affect on you, and how they affected you
• An experience that influenced you to make a change in your life or a decision about the future
• Your feelings about Israel versus their feelings about where you now live
• What you think is your greatest strength, and greatest weakness
• What you feel you really need to work on before you can achieve your full potential
• The role Judaism plays in your life
• Your tastes in food, clothing, furniture, artwork, and music
• How you get along with different personality types
• The things that get you angry or depressed, and how you react when you’re angry or depressed
• How you handle frustration
• Something that fascinates or excites you
• If you have spent a year in Israel, what that experience was like and how it affected you
• If you are baalei teshuva, the experience or thought process that led to your deciding to become more observant
• How you handle challenges
• What makes you really happy
• How you define a true friend
Bringing Up the "M" Word
It takes far more than a few dates for most daters to begin to entertain the thought that they may have met the right person to marry. Nevertheless, it’s still important to mention the “M” word after the first few dates – just to make sure that the two of you are both dating for the same purpose. Even though marriage may be your ultimate objective, the person you are dating may just want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, be dating reluctantly in response to social pressure, or hope to get married “someday” but not any time soon. Why risk developing a close emotional connection with someone whose doesn’t share your goal?
You can express your interest in marriage without putting either of you on the spot: "I enjoy going out with you and I would like to get to know you better. But, I'd like you to know that I am dating because I hope to find the person I will marry. It's far too early for us to know if we are right for each other, but I would like to know if we share the same goal. Why are you dating? Are you also looking for a marriage partner?"
There's More to Know About Each Other
When the two of you have grown closer and believe that your relationship is moving in the direction of marriage, you are ready to be even more open about your feelings. The topics listed below allow you to touch upon some very personal emotions, and also give each of you an opportunity to discuss how you envision married life. Your discussions can include:
• More details about your family, including the different personalities of family members, how they interact with each other, and the differences between your respective families.
• What you like and dislike about the way you were raised, what you would like to emulate in your own marriage, and what you would not like to follow.
• A description of what Shabbos and Jewish holidays are like in your home and what you like most about the way your family commemorates these days. If you do not come from an observant background, try talking about things that impressed you in the different homes you may have visited for Shabbos (this is a good topic for anyone).
• What you would like Shabbos and holidays to be like in the home you will someday share with your spouse.
• Your friendships – what your closest friends are like, how those friendships developed, experiences you have shared, what you value in those friendships.
• A moral dilemma you have faced, why it was difficult for you to resolve, and how you resolved it.
• Your attitude toward the concept of Divine intervention (hashgacha pratis ), whether you ever sensed it in your own life, and a description of your experience.
• The role chesed (acts of loving kindness) plays in your life and the role you would like it to play in the future.
• Your own education, what you liked about it, what you disliked, and the manner in which you would like your own children to be educated.
• Your hashkafa (world view).
• How you deal with time pressure (such as too many tasks to complete in too short a time).
• You attitude toward emes (truth) - when is in important to be truthful to yourself and others, when (if ever) is it okay to lie.
• The potential you have, how you hope to utilize it, and how honest you are about evaluating your potential.
• Your expectations about the standard of living you would like to have when you are married, your sources of income, your attitudes about spending and saving money and following a budget, and how you think a husband and wife should handle financial decisions.
• The manner in which you would like to divide household responsibilities and share responsibilities in the home, including child care and decisions about money.
• What you like and dislike about the way your parents relate to each other and how you would like you and your spouse to relate to each other.
• If you are yeshivish, discuss the idea of working versus working and learning. If one or both of you hopes to follow a kollel lifestyle, each of you should describe what you perceive to be a "normal" kollel lifestyle.
We hope that you will adapt these suggestions so that you can develop a strong emotional connection with the person you are dating and pinpoint whether he or she seems right for you to marry.
(Thanks to Rabbi Shraga Simmons and Mrs. Devora Fellman for their suggestions for this article.)
Do you like this site? Sasson V’Simcha is a non-profit organization and relies on the support of
readers like you to help Jewish men and women achieve their goals of meeting the right person and building a successful marriage. Click here to make a tax-deductible donation to Sasson V’Simcha. |