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References Required
Many daters and their families want detailed information before they
accept a shidduch suggestion. Here are some ideas about
the delicate matter of references
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
David’s Story
At 24, David has been dating for six months. He hears a lot of suggestions, because he has “credentials” that many young women are looking for. He’s already earned his business degree and is now learning in a yeshiva full time. He wants to begin his career once he starts a family, and plans to become a “learner earner” at that time. Two other things David has going for him are his close-knit family and his engaging personality. However, many of the suggestions made to David haven’t come to fruition, and David recently became aware of the reason.
The people David has used as references have been having trouble discussing a rebellious period in his youth. During his high school years, David lost interest in his Torah studies and gradually became less and less observant. When he was a senior in high school, David and a group of friends were arrested for smoking marijuana in a public park, and it became common knowledge in his neighborhood. Upon graduation, David had no interest in spending a year in Israel and instead enrolled in university, where he partied for much of his freshman year. At some point in his college career, however, David decided to take another look at Judaism and gradually returned to mitzvah observance. Now, even though he’s very “shtark,” some of people who are called as references hesitate when they’re asked certain questions. Others blurt out the negative details immediately, giving the listener little inclination to hear all David’s good points.
When David understood what was going on, he and his parents realized that they needed to figure out how the people who were their references could describe David in a more positive way. They decided to ask a matchmaker who was affiliated with one of the yeshivas that helped boys from religious homes return to the derech. How does she recommend describing someone like David to a prospective shidduch?
Discussing a Difficult Background
"its important to be truthful and positive at the same time,” explained the matchmaker. “Start by having your reference describe what a wonderful person David is. Not just the details of his business degree, his learning and intelligence, and his closeness to his family. Describe the character he has – the good points of his personality and the middos that make him a good person and will be beneficial in a marriage. For example, you tell me he’s even-tempered, kind, and is a terrific uncle to his nieces and nephews. Then, you can talk about a strength David has that developed as he matured by describing him as a growth-oriented person who is constantly working on himself, to grow in Torah and in middos. You can talk about how he made a conscious decision to do this after he spent a few years as a teenager questioning Jewish values, moving away from mitzvah observance, and experimenting with marijuana and alcohol along with his new group of friends. You can explain that when David decided to return to a Torah lifestyle, he worked very hard to find a meaningful hashkafa for himself. You can add that you genuinely admire him for the growth he has gone through and believe this has made him a strong, committed person.
“Sometimes, I would use a different approach. I once was helping a young man who had a tumultuous adolescence and a problematic family situation to boot. I told the girl’s mother that I wanted to recommend someone I thought would be perfect for her daughter, but I wanted her to promise that she would listen to everything I had to say before saying yes or no. She knew what I meant – that it was a ‘code’ for ‘this boy had some problems.’ Nevertheless, she reluctantly agreed to listen.
“I spent a lot of time detailing what he had gone through and all the work he had done to overcome his family issues and to find a solid direction in life. I talked about the steps he took in this struggle and then explained where he is today. I emphasized the path he would like his life to take, what he has done to make this possible, how he envisions his future home, and his fine character traits. It was important that I knew enough information to be able to let this mother see how well the young man had moved beyond his difficult upbringing, that he was emotionally stable, and that he would make a very good husband and father. I answered the mother’s questions honestly, because I had enough information to do so. At the end of the discussion, the mother told me, ‘You’re right. He sounds perfect for my daughter.’”
Helpful Pointers
David’s family learned a few important pointers from the matchmaker:
*Choose references who genuinely like the single they will be asked about and want to present them in a positive light. The references have to be articulate, sincere, truthful, and insightful enough to know to present well-balanced information.
*Prime your references, particularly if there are issues that need to be explained, such as an obvious medical condition, a problematic family background, or a difficult period in the person’s life. Your reference should be able to discuss the important aspects of the single’s life today and how he or she overcame challenges, and answer basic questions.
Here are some more pointers to keep in mind about using references on your behalf or on behalf of your child:
General Pointers About Using References
1. Contact the person you want to use as a reference to make sure that they are willing to be one. Select references who know you well enough to be able to give current and thorough information to an inquirer. Your references should be able to express themselves clearly and should have good judgment and integrity.
2. Its a good idea to use at least as a reference one person who has known you a long time, and one person who knows you well now. This is also true for people who are ba’alei teshuva. It may take a while for a ba’al teshuva to explain the shidduch and reference process to an old friend who is not frum. However, it is well worth the effort because that person has a strong, long-term connection with you and knows a lot about your character and background. If you believe that someone you’ve lost touch with will make a good reference because they’ve known you well for a long time, reconnect with that person and spend time talking with them so they are updated on what has been going on in your life.
3. When you speak with your references, let them know where you are going in life, how you plan to get there, what values are important to you, your world view, how you’ve grown recently, and what your expectations are for the future. In addition, talk about your character strengths and what you think will help you be a good spouse. It’s a good idea to highlight the four qualities you would like to emphasize about yourself. In addition, if there are issues that need to be explained, discuss how you would like your reference to handle questions about the issue, especially how you overcame challenges arising from that period in your life.
4. Make sure your references know what you are looking for in a prospective spouse. This includes hashkafa, lifestyle, expectations and goals for the future, and character traits. It is a good idea to focus on the four most important character traits you value in a future husband or wife, rather than give a longer list. Make yourself clear when you describe what you are looking for, and explain where you can be flexible. For example, a young woman who would like her husband to be a learner-earner for most of their marriage can explain that she is open at the present to someone who is in yeshiva, in college, or working, but that his ultimate objective should be to make a living for their family and have a regular learning schedule. She has to make the distinction between where she is wiling to be flexible, and where she cannot be flexible.
5. Be satisfied that your references have a good understanding of what you are telling them. Remember that many people will confine their research to two or three well-informed references who sound honest and sincere. Many people tell us, “If I get the information and answers I am looking for from one or two people, that’s enough for me. But if I don’t, then I will make a lot of phone calls.” And a lot of indiscriminate phone calls lead to problems - with people who offer information even though they don’t have all of the facts, have a grudge against you or your family, or are not interested in taking enough time to speak on your behalf.
Of course, sometimes even when your references have good answers to all of the questions and have given you a good report, the inquirer will continue to seek out information about you. There is nothing that you can do about this type of person. They may be seeking a “perfect” shidduch, and they want to gather a lot of information before they end their search. This may also be Hashem’s way of screening out people who won’t be right for you.
6. Sometimes, even with your best intentions, the person you use as a reference may not be as helpful as you would like. You may not become aware of this until someone who asks about you tells your matchmaker, or even you, “He’d better get a new reference. This reference is not saying things that help him.” Of course, most people won’t bother to pass on that information. They’ll just turn down the suggestion after talking to the reference. If you see that a number of potential shidduchim end up saying “No” after talking to your references, it’s a good idea to call up the person trying to set up the date and find out what feedback they’ve received about why prospective dates have turned you down. You may find out that you do, indeed, need to use a different person as your reference.
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