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Why Networking Works?
You've heard of television networks and computer networks.
But dating networks?
by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
Although most successful business people and professionals use advertisements and word of mouth to help them build a strong client base and a good reputation, they know that networking can be an even more effective resource. They devote a great deal of effort into developing a network of individuals and businesses that can refer clients their way. Networking is also one of the most effective ways for singles to enlarge their social circles and be introduced to suitable people they would never have an opportunity to meet on their own. Believe it or not, the majority of married couples say they got together because someone they knew made an introduction or matched them on a blind date.
The problem is that many singles don’t network on their own behalf. Instead of proactively asking others to help them in their search for the right person, they hope that someone they know will think of them in the future and wait for the telephone to ring, or they go to a few singles events and expect that they’ll be lucky enough to meet a great person at one of them.
Learn From a Business Model
Daters need to learn from business models. Just as business people rely on a variety of resources to help them achieve success, singles should be using every appropriate avenue that will lead them to their goal of meeting their future marriage partner, especially networking. Every social event can be viewed as a networking opportunity, whether it’s a small-scale, well-planned singles event, a community chesed project, a Shabbos with friends in another community or neighborhood, or a date with a good person who’s not for you but may know someone who is.
The trick is knowing how to network properly – letting people know what you’re like, what you’re looking for, how they can find out more information, and how they can get in touch with you to discuss an introduction. You may have to educate people who are new to networking about how they can be helpful, and tactfully encouraging them to work on your behalf. You’ll also have to periodically touch base with the members of your network, as well as look for new venues for networking.
Leah recently opened a small business selling cosmetics. She enjoys meeting new people and helping her customers find ways to enhance their appearance. She also likes to chat with her customers, and one day found herself discussing her family with one of them. Leah mentioned that she had two married children and a daughter who was dating. The customer asked several details about Leah’s daughter, and mentioned that her friend’s son sounded like the type of man Leah’s daughter was looking for. What’s more, Leah’s daughter seemed to have the qualities he was seeking.
After both women made some inquiries, Leah’s daughter and the friend’s son went out on a date they both enjoyed. Leah realized that she should have thought of talked about shidduchim with her customers right after she opened her business. Her daughter’s friends had already used up most of their suggestions and her own closest friends had exhausted their own ideas. Leah hoped that this shidduch would be successful, but realized that if it wasn’t, she could branch out of the close circle of friends she had been relying on and could have a new avenue to help her daughter with dating.
Networking How-Tos
Here are some ideas pointers that can help you network effectively:
Compile a list of potential contacts for your network. Think about including extended family, relatives’ relatives, close and not-so-close friends, people you’ve lost touch with, current and former teachers and rabbis, neighbors, coworkers, and people from your synagogue, clubs, classes and community activities. You can gradually also add others who seem to be good resources - local merchants, customers, and friends of friends. If you’re not currently using a matchmaker, find a few you are comfortable working with and include them in your network.
Ask three or four people you know well and respect for their good judgment and integrity to be your references. These are the people to be called when a prospective date wants to “check you out.” Be sure that at least one reference has known you for a long time, even if you haven't been in close contact in the recent past. (This is even true if you are newly observant.) Talk to each reference about where you are in life, the way you have grown and matured, your goals and how you hope to achieve them, the kind of family life you would like to have, the qualities you are looking for, and your own personal strengths and good qualities, and what you believe you can contribute to a marriage. If you have problematic areas of your background, its better that your reference knows how to discuss them in a positive but honest way, so talk to him or her about how you overcame and learned from these challenges.
Begin to approach the people in your network. This may feel awkward at first, but it will get a little easier over time. You can open with a variation of: “I have a special favor I would like to ask of you. I (my child) would like to get married in the very near future and would like you to help me find my future spouse. Can I tell you a little about the type of person I am (they are) looking for and how you can describe me (them) to others, so that if you can tell me if you know or meet someone who sounds appropriate?” If they say yes, describe where you are in life, your goals, and the qualities that best describe you, and the qualities you are looking for in a partner.
Explain how to proceed if this person thinks of a potential dating partner for you. You may want to arrange to check in with network members periodically to see if they have any new ideas. Many people get a sudden burst of inspiration but neglect to follow up and then forget the idea very. A telephone call every month or two might jog this person’s memory.
Talk to everyone whom you feel may be helpful to you. You can give them your name and telephone number, so they can be in touch with you in the future. If someone says they think they know of someone, ask when you can call them to get more information, and then make the call. Don’t wait for them to follow up – they may have the best intentions but forget to do so.
Show hakaras hatov (appreciation) to anyone who suggests an idea. The suggestion may be from left field, may tell you that the other person needs a better idea of what you are looking for, or contains such a small amount of information that it’s useless. Or, it may be right in the ballpark. It doesn’t matter. Thank the would-be-matchmaker for thinking of you, working hard to find out details, and making the suggestion. If the idea sounds interesting, specify the additional details you’ll need to know before deciding to accept it. If you have to turn down the offer, politely explain that there are a few reasons why it doesn’t sound right for you. Ask the person if they will keep you in mind for the future, and politely clarify some points that can help them fine-tune their efforts the next time they have an idea for you.
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