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Checking It Out!
Is there a formula to help singles and their
families find better dating partners?
by Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
What if someone told you there was a formula you could follow to be set up with people who have most of the qualities you’re looking for? A formula that could keep you from having to wonder, "What was the person who set us up thinking? The only thing we have in common is that we're both breathing."
While there isn't a magic formula that can guarantee that your next date will be the person you’ll want to marry, you can dramatically increase the likelihood he or she will have good potential by pre-screening or "checking out" potential dating partners.
Why Pre-screening Helps
Anyone who’s been dating for a while knows how frustrating it can be to go out with someone who has been described as a "nice guy" or a "great girl" but is so far out of the ballpark that the two of them don't stand a chance of building a connection. To spare yourself these experiences in the future, do a little preliminary research the next time you hear a dating suggestion. Before you accept that next suggestion for a date, we recommend engaging in some preliminary research. You want to know if that person has good marriage potential - shares values that are similar to your own, is moving in the same general direction in life, possesses many of the personal qualities you feel are important, comes from a background you are comfortable with, and is emotionally capable of building a healthy marriage. In order to find out this information, you’ll have to ask questions.
Someone who’s not familiar with the idea of pre-screening may ask, "Can’t I wait for the first date to ask these questions? Why spend hours checking someone out when I could learn all I want to know in one date?" Yes, you can wait for the date to start asking questions, but unless you’re extremely lucky this approach can quickly lead to frustration. One person’s values or goals clash with your own, the next one lacks maturity or emotional stability, another wants someone with a different level of education or career orientation than you, and your newest date isn’t ready to start thinking about marriage for another few years. After a while, you begin to wonder why you didn’t check things out more carefully before you said, “Yes.”
Before You Start Your Research - A Suggestion
Before you start researching potential dating partners, it is a good idea to clarify what you’re looking for. Man people find the suggestions and exercises in books Head to Heart by Gila Manolson and Talking Tachlis, which I co-authored with Rosie Einhorn, helpful in enabling them to identify their own strengths, talents, and goals, as well as the qualities they would like the person they marry to possess. Sometimes, the perspective of a person who’s been happily married for a while can help you clarify your own expectations. Younger adults may want to talk over their ideas with their parents or another adult they look up to, and adults who are more independent may want to speak to a mentor, a happily married person they respect.
Networking For Success
Once you’ve clarified what you’re looking for, give the information to the people who may be able to suggest potential dating partners to you. If you don’t have an extensive network of people who are already looking on your behalf, start building or expanding you network. Include friends, neighbors, family members, former teachers, co- workers, and people in your synagogue. You can tell them you’ve decided to be more proactive in seeking the right person to marry and hope that they know of someone to introduce to you.
Prepare an “elevator pitch” that describes what you are doing in life, how you identify yourself Jewishly, your goals and life expectations, and the path you’re taking to get there. Think of four phrases that describe your personality and personal qualities, and another four phrases that describe the personality and personal qualities you hope you future spouse possesses. Ask them if they know of anyone who may be well-suited to you.
What to Ask
Before you ask any questions, it’s a good idea to familiarize yourself with the Jewish laws of lashon hora (slanderous talk) as they relate to dating for marriage. The Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation can send you some material on this subject for a nominal fee. (Call them at 1-800-867-2482 in the U.S.) You local rabbi can also provide you with about this subject as well as the scope of your inquiries.
Your questions should center around four themes:
A. How accurate is the information I have already been given about this person?
B. What other information do I need to see if he or she’s in the ballpark – in terms of hashkafa (world view), values, expectations, goals, and character traits?
C. What basic facts do I want to know about this person’s background, biography, and emotional state?
D. What is this person looking for? Do I seem to fit into those expectations?
Many people are content to ask a number of basic questions. They’re looking for enough answers to indicate that the suggested dating partner is emotionally stable and is in the ballpark. Others will add questions that cover topics that are particularly important to them but may not be important to someone else. People who come from communities in which the dating process is telescoped into a relatively short period of time may ask for a lot of information that other couples expect to learn about over the course of a longer courtship. A list of suggested questions appears at the end of this article.
What Not to Ask
There’s a trend in certain communities to ask questions that don’t have very much to do with a person’s suitability as a dating/marriage partner. (Someone who isn’t familiar with these questions may think it’s incredible, even laughable, that they are even asked.) These questions include the color of the tablecloth used in the family’s home on Friday night and or whether a grandmother uses a shopping cart or a delivery service for groceries. Often, when people focus on these questions they neglect to ask those that are really important.
In many families, it’s the parents or other family members, rather than the dater, who do the “checking out”.
They may focus on whether a potential date’s parents can be their friends, or if they have a status they admire – such as in Torah learning, academic degrees, wealth, or community standing. They won’t consider someone who seems to be a good match if they or their family isn’t prominent enough, learned enough, professional enough, or wealthy enough. Or, they look for someone who is "heimish " (meaning “someone who’s family is just like us)" and reject everyone who doesn't come from this background. These relatives are looking for in-laws who meet their own needs, rather than looking to meet the needs of the dater, and may needlessly pass up excellent suggestions.
Whom To Ask
Start with the person who made the suggestion, and move on from there. Always ascertain how well the person you are speaking to, even the “matchmaker”, knows the shidduch suggestion, how long they’ve known each other, and in what capacity. Ask anyone who doesn’t have a strong connection to your potential date to suggest someone who knows him better or who has volunteered to make a recommendation.
Try to talk to at least two people who know your potential date through different frames of reference. This can include one person who’s known them for a long time (including a friend from a recent ba’al teshuva’s earlier life). Strive to speak to someone who knows the prospective date well. For example, instead of a Rosh Yeshiva or a high school principal, it might be better to talk to a young person’s rebbe, seminary teacher, mashgiach, counselor, or roommate. For a more established person, consider talking to his community rabbi and/or his wife, roommates, a current friend, or a long time friend or neighbor.
Checking out a potential dating partner is not a hunt for negative information. If you hear something negative, don't rush to pass judgment. You may have spoken to someone with a negative opinion of the person or their family that no one else shares. Or, you may have been told incomplete information by someone who isn't doesn't know the person or the situation well enough. It’s also possible that you may speak to someone who has an unrealistically optimistic view of the potential dating partner, or who intentionally withholds unfavorable information. That’s why it’s a good idea to speak to at least two people, especially if you hear or sense something negative. Furthermore, if you’re not sure what the person you are "interviewing" means to say, or if you need clarification, ask additional, pointed questions. You do not want to reject or accept someone based on incomplete or misunderstood information.
How to Handle Negative Information
We suggest factoring in all of the reliable information you hear, both positive and negative, before making a decision to accept or turn down a dating offer. For instance, a young man who seems to have a lot of qualities your daughter is looking for may have a family that is far more /less Orthodox than you’re comfortable with. Or, he had a difficult upbringing, once was a little wild, lacked focus, went off the derech, or had family problems. Instead of dismissing a suggestion about someone whose background concerns you, ask more questions. These can include if and how he’s dealt with challenges, if he received therapy or other help from a third party, how he’s grown and matured, how he relates to their family members, what’s the direction he’s have chosen in life, and the ways he seems able to be a stable, kind, and loving spouse and parent.
If the person you’ve asked about once had difficulty with regular and sustained use of drugs or alcohol, or if he had serious emotional difficulties, be especially thorough in your investigation. You don’t want to unfairly stigmatize someone, but you also don’t want to ignore a serious problem. For example, you may learn that the emotional difficulties are being successfully managed with therapy and/or medication or were the result of a difficult, temporary situation such as the death of a close relative and have been resolved. Or, it may be that this person isn’t cooperating with treatment, or you may be concerned about his likelihood of long-term sobriety because he hasn’t been sober long enough and isn’t committed to remaining involved in a 12-step support group.
Some Closing Suggestions
Genetic screening is another part of the checking-out process. Hospitals such as Hadassah Hospital in Israel and Einstein Medical Center in Philadelphia have testing programs for individuals and couples. Many people participate in the Dor Yesharim organization’s special program that screens potential dating partners for genetic compatibility for marriage. Individuals provide a blood sample that is tested to see if they carry any of many incurable Jewish genetic diseases. Each participant receives a confidential i.d. number but does not learn the results of the testing.
When a man and a woman want to start dating, or if they are already dating each other, they call the organization. After giving both of their i.d. numbers, they’ll be advised if they are compatible for marriage or if they both carry a gene for the same Jewish genetic disease. Since two carriers of the same disease usually have a 25% chance that their child will be born with the illness in each pregnancy, people who both carry the disease gene usually decide not to begin to date each other or to end their current courtship. They can also obtain genetic counseling. For more information, call Dor Yesharim in New York at 1-718-384-6060 or in Jerusalem at 011-972-2-537-2111.
Some Questions To Consider
Use the questions listed below as a guide. Notice that they require narrative answers rather than yeses or nos. That’s the best way to get good information, You may not want to ask all of the questions, and some references may only be able to answer some of them. However, the questions you do ask will help you to have more positive dating experiences and bring you closer to finding the right person.
• How long have you known him? How well do you know him?
• Where did he grow up? What is his family like?
• How do the parents get along with each other? (You can even ask this of divorced. parents)
• What kind of relationship does he have with his parents?
• What are the children in the family like?
• What kind of relationship do the children in his family have with their parents? With each other?
• What kind of connection do his parents have with their community? Who is their rabbi? What synagogue do they attend?
• What kind of education and careers do the parents have? What is their cultural background? Their hashkafa (world view) ?
• Where did he attend school/yeshiva/college?
• Where is he going religiously – in terms of spiritual growth, learning?
• What role does learning play in his life?
• What is his outlook on life?
• What does he want to do with his life – career, education, involvement in the community?
• How does he plan to achieve this?
• What kind of lifestyle would he like to have?
• Is he dating for the purpose of marriage?
• How does he like to have fun?
• How does he spend his vacations?
• What does he like to do in his spare time?
• What are his friends like?
• Does he smoke?
• What is he like on Purim? Simchas Torah?
Describe his personality.
• Is he dependable? Independent? Can he take charge of a situation? In what ways?
• How patient is he?
• How does he react when a friend or family member has a problem?
• Have you ever seen him deal with an emergency or crisis? How did he react?
• What importance does he place on dressing fashionably? On grooming?
• Did he face any challenges when he was growing up – illness, family problems, educational issues – and how did he deal with them?
• What type of person is he looking for?
What does he look like?
• Do you think he has the emotional stability to be a good marriage partner? What do you base this on?
• Do you have any reservations about recommending him as a potential marriage partner?
• What is his attitude about living in Israel?
• What is he looking for in a future spouse?
• What qualities can he bring to a marriage? (If you describe yourself as "Modern Orthodox", ask the following question even if it does not seem to be a major issue for you, since it may be very important to him) What is his attitude about his wife covering her hair/wearing pants?
• Why do you think he would be a good match for me?
Whenever a response is too vague, ask more specific questions. "You say he is very nice. Is he outgoing? Shy?" Additionally, if the reply to your question sounds guarded or unenthusiastic, you must ask more specific details. You may also have occasion to ask, “Is there anyone who knows the situation better and can give me more information?”
It's a good idea for the person making the inquiry, to write down the information they receive, since it's easy to forget details that aren't written down. These notes can also be helpful if the individual you check out turns out not to be right for you or your child, but sounds good for someone else you know. If that happens, we encourage you to follow up on your idea and suggest the match to the people themselves or to a third party who can make the suggestion.
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