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Searching For Your "Soul Mate"?
Everyone seems to be looking for their "soul mate". Can you really find yours?
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
Ask a marriage-oriented man or woman what type of person they’re each looking for, and there’s a good chance they’ll answer, “I’m looking for my soul mate." Our antennae immediately go up when we hear this response. "Uh oh," we each think. "This person is going to have a hard time finding their spouse."
The phrase "soul mate" didn’t exist until a couple of decades ago. Before it was coined, most daters hoped that they would be able to have an emotionally close relationship with the person they married. Most daters also expected that this relationship would grow out of the dating process. They hoped to meet someone they could enjoy being with and talking to, and to experience the further development of the fledgling connection as they continued to date. These expectations enabled most Jewish daters to find the right person to marry and work together to build a rewarding life.
However, contemporary culture tells us that that these expectations aren’t good enough. It says that each of us has a soul mate, someone we have never met but with whom we will have an intrinsic, everlasting connection that will extends beyond time and space. Movies and novels promote this concept ad naseum , and the Internet is filled with web sites that promise to help you "find your soul mate."
Many of us have bought into the idea of a soul mate big-time. The Rutgers University National 2001 Marriage Project Survey reported that 94 percent of the 1003 participants they interviewed responded "yes" to the question, "When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost." 88 percent of the 20-29 year olds who answered the survey agreed that there is a "special person, a soul mate, waiting for you." We believe that 10 years from now, many of the people who answered “yes” will still be searching for that illusory individual.
"Soul Mate” is an illusory term
That’s because “soul mate” is an illusory term. A relationship that can form the foundation of an enduring and rewarding marriage doesn’t “exist” as a free-floating entity waiting to be discovered by a man and a woman. It develops as two people get to know each other.
We’re hopeless un-romantics. We don’t believe that Hakodesh Baruchu grants most human beings the ability to know, the moment we lay eyes on a person for the first time, that he or she is "the one" for us. That first look that passes between two people involves only the sense of sight, and not anything else – not their personalities, dreams for the future, middos(character traits), senses of humor….nor their neshomas(souls).
It pains us to recount the number of times people have come to us to excitedly report they’ve met someone with whom they have an instant connection - someone they feel they have known all of their lives and can talk to about anything. They insist, “This is my soul mate"…only to tell us three months later that he really wasn't right for them after all. They didn't realize that two people who are physically attracted to each other and have compatible communication styles or interests don’t necessarily possess all of the other qualities that make a good relationship. Their goals or values may not be in sync, they may not be able to deal with each other's personality traits, they may have different expectations about the relationship or about life in general, or they may not have the ability as a couple to effectively deal with disagreements or challenges.
Instant connections are rare
There are rare occasions in which two people who feel an "instant connection" actually go the distance. In addition to being attracted to each other from the start, these couples learn that they have compatible goals, values, and expectations. The fact that they quickly tune into each other’s communication styles helps them share their ideas, thoughts, and feelings and add depth to the way they relate to each other. However, they still need to develop other foundations of an enduring marriage - mutual respect, admiration, and sense of deep, trusting friendship.
All couples have to get to this point, even though some couples do so faster than others. The only thing that matters is whether a couple gets to that point. A marriage won’t be any more or less enduring, validating, rewarding, and loving if the couple feels they are right for each other from the start and builds on that feeling, or if they come to this realization after they gradually develop their relationship.
Ariella is 35 and tells us that she has never had a real relationship with any of the men she has dated over the past 15 years. She's seldom wanted to date someone more than 4 or five times, because each time she has said, "This is not it." "I could tell after a couple of dates that we didn't have a deep connection. He wasn't the one I was waiting for."
Her friend, Bracha, just celebrated her wedding at the age of 33. After years of unsuccessful dating, she decided to take the advice of a shadchanit to “Let go of your ego when you date." Bracha decided to take some time before passing judgment on the men she dated. The old Bracha would have said “no” to a second date with Yossi because he didn’t fit the mold she was looking for. The new Bracha realized that in spite of this, Yossi had a number of qualities that were important to her. Two dates…three dates..four..five, and Bracha realized she liked Yossie more and more and had begun to connect to him in many ways. She was amazed that after spending so many years looking for an instant connection, when she finally decided to give the courtship a chance she found the right one!
Soul mate is the term of the hour
David Popenoe, co-director of the Rutgers University's National 2001 Marriage Project Survey, says that soul mate "is the term of the hour….Its a big change from times past when you maybe hoped a spouse would be a soul mate by the end of life but you didn't start out looking for such a person. You were looking for someone responsible and reliable who would be a helpmate for the tasks of life."
The key phrsase of Popenoe's comment is "they didn't start out looking for such a person." The emotional connection between daters grew over time. As they built their relationship, they became friends and confidants, learned to trust each other, began to care deeply for one another, figured out how to solve problems together and started to experience the ups and downs of life as a couple.
The term "soul mate" implies a magical quality and hints that the work that couples do to build a relationship isn’t necessary. It also implies that if the person you marry is your soul mate, you shouldn’t have to make an effort to keep the relationship going. After all, you can anticipate each other's thoughts without needing deep discussions, will "know" your spouse loves you without them having to say it, can sense your partner’s appreciation for all you do even though it’s never expressed, and your romantic feelings for each other will continue even if you don't nurture them. Having a soul mate also gives you permission not to grow and change with each other – that if you are soul mates it doesn’t matter what direction each of your personal lives take.
Couples who have been happily married for a while know life doesn't work this way, and that this perspective is a prescription for marital disaster. Every relationship, even the rare ones that begin with an instant connection – needs to develop. And the partners to that relationship have to nurture it if it is to endure.
Marriages can’t run on autopilot
No marriage can run on autopilot, even though the term “soul mate” implies otherwise. Unfortunately, even those of us who don’t believe in the concept of a “soul mate” sometimes take our marriages for granted and forget to nurture them. Married couples have many ways to get back on track and enhance their marriages so they can flourish. And couples who are beginning their lives together can learn how to nurture their relationships from the start, through marriage preparation classes and workshops. These classes reinforce the message that “soul mates” don’t exist – that we need to work to develop a relationship while we are dating, and to sustain it once we decide to marry. And they help couples learn the tools to do just that.
It takes sustained effort to keep a marriage viable and happy and to ride the rough seas all couples encounter from time to time. Those married people who are fortunate enough to know this will, more often than not, say that the person they are happily married to is not their soul mate. But they will say that he or she is their bashert - the person who is right for them. They will probably also tell you that they didn't know this when they first started going out with each other, but that through the course of dating and the process of building their lives together they have become each other's bashert .
An unmarried person who reads this article may be struggling to give up their hope of immediately connecting to a “soul mate” and instead accepting the idea of giving themselves time to build a connection with a dating partner. However, making this change can make the difference between realizing a dream of achieving an enduring, happy marriage or spending the next several years of life pursuing an ideal that doesn't exist.
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