Survival Tips for the Single Oleh

Tips that can help you achieve a successful move and a great personal life

You've dreamed of building your life in Israel, and you hope you might meet someone there to share that life with. Before you pack, read some tips that can help you achieve a successful move and a great personal life.

1. Be as prepared as you can by learning the difficulties most olim (new immigrants to Israel) encounter during the first two years of aliyah (immigration to Israel). Advance knowledge of the challenges you may have to face (many of which may never materialize) and how you can effectively deal with them is half the battle for any oleh, but it is especially important for someone who doesn't have a spouse to lean on for mutual support.

2. Learn Hebrew. Aliyah will be a more positive experience if you at least have a working knowledge of Hebrew before you arrive. Once you're in Israel, enroll in an ulpan if your Hebrew still needs work. You'll experience a double benefit; your Hebrew will improve and you'll form mutually supportive friendships with other olim.

3. Leave your extra "baggage" behind. Your lift will be heavy enough. If you are weighed down with "baggage" from old relationships, have low self-esteem or struggle with depression or excessive anxiety, work on eliminating these obstacles to a successful klita (absorption) before your move. Don't hesitate to obtain the help of a qualified therapist, if necessary.

4. Set up an Israeli support system before your aliya. The first year or two of aliya is a challenge for everyone, and people who can rely on a support system fare better than those who have no one to turn to for advice, friendship and moral support. If you are one of the many olim who don't have close friends or relatives in Israel, work on developing contacts several months before your move. Approach friends, friends' friends, relatives, relatives' relatives, rabbis, teachers and acquaintances, and ask for the names, phone numbers or e-mail addresses of recent olim who may be willing to share their experiences or give you advice. Many olim are happy to do so. It’s a good idea to develop a long distance relationship with a core group of people in the months before you move, and touch base with them as soon as you arrive. If your relationships with the people in your support system grow into mutually beneficial friendships, as so many do, you will have caring, supportive friends whom you can turn to in good times as well as tough ones.

5. Further develop your support system once you arrive in Israel.  It doesn’t take too much looking to find one or two families and fellow singles who can act as your initial support system.  Among its many services, the Nefesh B’Nefesh (www.nbn.org.il) organization pairs up olim with buddy families. Anywhere in Israel (02-994-4326) can find you a family in your community, or in a community of your choice,  that will host you for a Shabbat meal.  Some yeshivot and seminaries provide this service for former students. Ask around in your synagogue (many families are thrilled to invite newcomers to their table), and don’t forget to follow up on our earlier advice to ask your friends in the “old country” for names of people you can contact in Israel. Any of these suggestions can lead to the development of long-term friendships. 

6. If you want to find a future spouse, don't rely primarily on the social structure of densely populated singles neighborhoods to help your dating situation. The "singles scene" is self-perpetuating. Minimize any "group dating" and instead make dating a one-one-one process. We suggest you develop a network of people who can introduce you to suitable, marriage-minded members of the opposite gender.
Start with the people who first helped you acclimate to your new life. In addition, get to know rabbis, teachers, co-workers, relatives, friends, and acquaintances from your neighborhood and synagogue and ask them to keep you in mind when they look for matches for people they know. Ask to meet members of some of the grass-roots "matchmaking" committees that have formed in many communities. You can also take advantage of some social events and programs that enable singles to meet in a friendly, small-scale atmosphere. Many of these programs are endorsed by rabonim.

We also suggest that you find one or two shadchanim whom you feel comfortable working with and use them as a resource. (See "How to Make A Matchmaker Work For You"). You may also want to ask one of your married friends to be your "dating mentor" – to help you meet new people and to be available for advice and "handholding" should the need arise. You'll find that your married friends add a perspective on dating that you won't get from someone who isn’t married.

7. Keep an open mind. Aliyah is an amazing experience. However, if you come with unreasonably high expectations, you will be disappointed. If you are willing to be flexible and consider new options and ideas about both your personal and professional life, you can make a great life for yourself in Israel.