What Kind of Dater Are You?

Do many of your follow a predictable, unproductive pattern? Learn how to break the cycle.

1. Dateless Dale - You can't seem to get a date at all. Your life has followed the same routine for the past few years with little variation. Your friends and acquaintances seldom offer to introduce you to someone, and it’s rare for you to be in a situation where you feel comfortable asking someone out on your own. You might not be interested in any of the potential dates that are suggested to you. It seems that none of the men you are interested in ever call, or none of the women you ask out ever say yes.

2. One Shot Deal - You have never gone out on more than one or two dates with the same person. Most of the time, your interest has never been piqued enough for you to want a second date, or you shy away because agreeing to another date might ensnare you in a relationship that you won't be happy with. It seems that whenever you are interested in going out a second time, your date doesn't share that sentiment.

3. "Shrinking" Violet" –You've had a series of dating relationships that, for one reason or another, ended after you started to like each other but before one of you ended up revealing too much about yourself.

4. No Commitments For Me – Many of your long-term dating relationships end at about the same point. You may date someone you like for several months and find yourself developing an emotional bond. However, at some point the relationship ends. You may not always initiate the break-up; sometimes, you engage in behavior that causes the person you are dating to end the relationship.

Here's Some "Homework"

Similarly, unless you identify the real reason for your unproductive dating patterns, it will be difficult for you to break the cycle. We suggest listing all the reasons you can think of. Then, analyze each one without rationalizing. For example, if you have not had a single date in six months, look at all of the possible reasons for this and then rank them on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 seldom or never occurs, 5 occurs always or frequently). If you are honest with yourself, you will find that the 5's are usually the true roots of your problems, and the 1's are either contributing factors or rationalizations. Your list could include:

Some More Food For Thought

If you can never get past that second date, list the possible reasons for this situation: expectations so high that no one ever meets them…when you don't feel a sizzle right away you figure that the two of you have no future together…you scare your date away by behaving inappropriately, being too open about yourself too early, or by "testing" him or her.

If you repeatedly break off a relationship (or do something to trigger a breakup by the other party) just when things are heating up between the two of you, think about what you are afraid will happen if the dating continues.  Becoming emotionally intimate with another person can be a scary proposition.  It means that as the two of you get to know each other, you begin to reveal more and more about yourselves. Do you run from relationships when this starts to occur? Is there something in your past that causes you to fear being hurt or betrayed?

Suppose you're not afraid of becoming emotionally involved with the woman you are dating. Goodness knows, you've come close to getting engaged three times. Somehow, though, when you reach the point at which you might have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with your dating partner, you will do anything to avoid making that decision. You break off the relationship, or you unconsciously betray your date's trust so that they will break it off. The idea of marriage and commitment is scary, and you are scared stiff. Isn't that the reason you run away from good relationships?

Now Work On Eliminating the Problem 

Identifying an unproductive dating pattern and understanding the reasons behind it is the first step toward dating successfully. The second step is confronting the root of your problem and eliminating it as a barrier to future success. Many individuals benefit from a technique called partialization, by which a thought process is broken into small, manageable components. It helps to write down your thoughts as you perform a partialization exercise, and then look at what you have written to see what it reveals to you.

For example, if you decide to concentrate on your recent dating history, write down everything you remember about your last three dating relationships, including a description of the personality and appearance of the person you were with, what you wore, where you went, who said what, who did what, how you reacted to what your date did and said.   For example, when you read what you've written, you may realize that on every date, you unconsciously bring your best friend, Dana with you. (Dana, your confidante since you were both eleven, is a super-critical perfectionist while you are much more laid back.) On each date, you worry about what Dana will think instead of using your own judgment about the man you were with. Since you’re a little awed by Dana's put-togetherness, you become excessively critical of every man you date.

O.K., you've identified the problem and the reason behind it. Can you consciously eliminate this self-destructive behavior? Try looking at each of the qualities and actions you found fault with in your date, and ask yourself, "Is this me talking, or is it Dana? Did it really matter to me, or was I worried how Dana would react in the same situation? How do I feel?” You should try to employ these same thought processes on your next several dates, to try to break out of your past pattern of behavior.

If The Exercise Is Too Hard

You may have difficulty understanding the reasons behind an unproductive dating pattern. Or, you may have trouble effectively dealing with the reason after you identify it, because you can't partialize your thoughts, or the subject is simply too painful for you to deal with on your own. In any of these situations, it is wise to enlist the aid of a third party whose judgment you trust. This could be a close friend, a rabbi, a teacher, a mentor or a therapist who can act as a sounding board and facilitator. The third party can add his or her own observations to your problem- solving efforts. We find that very complicated or painful situations are best addressed within the guidance of a mental health professional.

Will these exercises help you break your old dating pattern? In many cases, they will. Before you're ready to re-enter the dating scene, it may help you to understand the courtship patterns that successful relationships often follow.  We discuss them in “The Four Stages of the Dating Process”.

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