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When You Can't Get Him Out of Your Head
You thought it was over. Why can’t you stop thinking about him?
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
“It’s been a month since Josh and I broke up,” Sandy moaned to her friend, Miriam. “I was sure he was the one, but obviously he wasn’t. I’m having a hard time getting over him. I started to date, but it’s not working because all I can do is think of him. I keep thinking that maybe we really are right for each other…maybe he really will change…maybe our differences aren’t that important….maybe I should call him…maybe I should plan to ‘bump’ into him. How am I ever going to get married if I can’t get him out of my head?”
“It sounds to me like you’re not ready to date yet. Maybe you need more time to get over him. Otherwise, he’s going to be with you on every date, and you’ll never give another guy a fair chance.”
This is a tough situation to be in, but it is very common. You think you’ve found the right person, but subsequently realize there are major flaws you can’t accept. It doesn’t matter what those flaws were – the point is, they were insurmountable. Of course, you miss him, and of course, you feel sad and even angry. But rationalizing and “bargaining” won’t change the situation. These all are steps in the process of mourning your loss, but there is another step you need to take to be able to recover and move on. It is the step called acceptance.
The Route to Acceptance
At first, you may think that you’ll never be able to get to the point of accepting what has happened and being ready to move forward. You will, but it will take you a while to get there. Here are some suggestions that will help you gradually change how you feel and think about the relationship that ended, so that someday soon, you’ll feel ready to move forward and find the person who’s really right for you:
1. Take out a notebook and a pen and write down your thoughts about the qualities that are essential building blocks of a stable and enduring marriage: Did you have compatible goals, world-views, and values? Were you moving in the same direction in life? Were your lifestyles and expectations for the future in sync? Were the significant differences resolved in a way that left both of you comfortable about the give and take process and the compromises you reached?
Describe was the emotional quality of your relationship. Were you attracted to each other? Did each you respect one another and admire different character traits and middos (qualities) in the other person? Did you feel a close emotional connection, friendship, and sense of trust? Could you accept the other person in spire of his flaws? Did you feel affection for each other?“No” answers to any of these questions indicate that something fundamental was missing from your relationship.
2. Wait a few days and look over your answers. It may help you see your situation more clearly. It is likely that you’ll realize that your relationship had several of the qualities that are necessary building blocks of a good marriage, while others were missing. An enduring relationship needs all of these qualities, not just some of them. Looking at the big picture can help you accept, on an intellectual level, the fact that your relationship couldn’t have endured over the long term because, as good as it was, it lacked one or more critical elements.
3. Now comes the hardest part – letting go emotionally by admitting that you were not right for each other…and then admitting that you won’t become right for each other if you were to get back together. This step is hard because it’s very easy to imagine “if only…. If only he changed…if only I hadn’t been so quick to say something…if only I could just let that aspect of his life stop bothering me.”
Changing Your Mind-Set
As hard as it is, this exercise has helped many people. They find that when they force themselves to change their mind-set, their thought processes gradually follow suit. In addition to admitting that you weren’t right for each other, an important part of changing your mind-set is forcing yourself to stop thinking about your former dating partner… to stop day-dreaming about a him, talking about him with their your friends, thinking of how he might change, and figuring out ways to “accidentally” bump into him. In place of those ideas, substitute another, more beneficial thought, such as, “I feel good about whom I am, and the right person for me will reinforce these feelings – something I didn’t get from X.”
Another way to get your mind off an “ex” is to force yourself to engage in some enjoyable activities. Go away for a few days with friends, take a class you think you’ll enjoy, pursue a new craft or other hobby, take some day trips, visit relatives in another part of the country for a few weeks, pamper yourself with a spa day, or join a swim club or exercise. Many of these activities will do more than distract you for the moment, because they will make you feel better about yourself and about your life.
As you learn how to put the past behind you, you may also be able to take comfort in your experience, as painful as it was. Many people who recover from a break-up with someone who was “almost the one” tell us that coming so close gave them the encouragement to know that the right person is out there. That thought makes it easier for many people to move forward.
Overcoming a Sticking Point
Sometimes, the circumstances of a break-up make it harder for you to let go. Maybe your ex was the one who precipitated the break-up. You’re still convinced he’s Mr. Right, but he can’t see it, and you wonder how you can convince him. Or perhaps you can’t get over someone you’ve had a crush on but never really dated, such as a co-worker, or a friend from school. It could be someone who turned down the suggestion that the two of you date, or who didn’t want to keep going out even though you were willing. In each of these instances, you could be living inside your head, making it hard to convince yourself that this “relationship” is anything less than perfect.
Except that it isn’t a “relationship”, because it’s one-sided. Instead, it’s a fantasy. You may need to make a concerted effort to admit this to yourself. To do this, you may need to allow yourself to go through the process of mourning the loss of a dream. The mourning process may involve feeling depressed, getting angry about the situation, bargaining by thinking about different ways to get this person to date you, and finally accepting that your wishes won’t be reciprocated. Once you can get to that point, try to follow some of the suggestions we’ve offered to help distract yourself and find ways to add a little joy and fun to your life. This will help you to move on, by yourself, and to look forward to meeting the person who really is right for you.
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