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Tips That Can Help You Be a Better Matchmaker
Whether you're a novice or a veteran matchmaker, these tips can
help you make more successful matches for your clients
by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
Just about anyone can hang up a shingle and call himself or herself a matchmaker – using the title “shadchan” doesn’t require a special degree or license, and it certainly doesn’t require a particular skill. The fact that most of the people who enter the “matchmaking profession” do so out of a genuine desire to help klal Yisroel (the Jewish people) by facilitating the building of new Jewish families doesn’t mean that they know what they are doing or that they will be successful.
What does it take to succeed? That’s a question we’ve posed to a number of busy matchmakers and their clients, and the answer doesn’t surprise us. Many gifted matchmakers have a natural talent for putting couples together, but there are plenty who succeed because of their hard work, rather than instinct alone. What they all seem to share, however, are good communication skills, an intuitive ability to identify and address issues that crop up in their relationship with their clients, and being well-organized.
The Good Matchmaker
We tend to measure a successful matchmaker by the number of marriages that result from her suggestions. However, there are many matchmakers who are held in high esteem by their clients, even though their suggestion-to-marriage ratio isn’t that high. They’re the matchmakers who really listen to their clients, make suggestions that are close to what their clients are looking for, give their clients encouragement and guidance, and make them feel good about themselves and their dating situation.
We heard this from a mother who admitted that her daughter’s situation made it a bit challenging to find suitable dating partners. “We have been working with Mrs. Green, and she has introduced my daughter to three very nice young men. None of these matches worked out, but frankly each of these men was very close to the type of person she is looking for. We really feel that Mrs. Green has gotten to know my daughter and is making a real effort to find someone suitable for her.”
We know Mrs. Green personally, and are aware of the sincere effort she makes to understand her clients. If a suggestion does not work out, she asks her clients for feedback so that she can fine-tune her work the next time around. Mrs. Green also reads a lot of material on dating and relationships, and encourages her clients to talk to her with their concerns during their courtships. She’s also attended Sasson V’Simcha’s workshop for dating mentors and matchmakers, a three-hour mini-course. It offers insight into the universal challenges that singles of all ages and hashgafas (world views) experience when they are dating and suggests effective ways to guide singles through the courtship process and around the obstacles that can prevent them from building a good relationship that leads to marriage. The workshop can be invaluable for matchmakers because setting people up is only one aspect of facilitating Jewish marriages.
Why Matchmaking Clients Need Mentoring
It can take hours of work for a matchmaker to put one shidduch together. One might wonder why she should also spend time mentoring her clients. The answer is that getting two people to go out on a date is only the first step in the courtship process.
A man and woman don’t meet for the first time and “know” they are meant for each other. They only come to that realization after they develop a relationship. Many people struggle through the relationship-building process, such as what they should expect to happen at each stage of courtship, when they should open up about different subjects, how to pace their dating, what are healthy emotions during courtship, what they should learn about each other, whether it’s right to end a courtship, and how and when they can tell that someone is right for them. Who can they turn to for guidance on these subjects? The person who has set them is often a good “address”, provided he or she is knowledgeable, has good insight, and is willing to take the time to be helpful.
A matchmaker can use mentoring skills even if a client doesn’t approach them for advice. She can help set the tone for a successful first date and encourage someone who is ambivalent to agree to a second date. She can tactfully recommend that a client address issues that may interfere with successful dating, such as unrealistic expectations, less-than-optimal social skills or dating skills, not knowing how to maximize their appearance, or an emotional issue from their past that may be blocking them from moving forward. All in all, matchmakers who mentor their clients as the need arises can make the difference between a shidduch that doesn’t progress well and one that leads to a happy, enduring marriage.
Tips for Successful Matchmaking
We’ve filtered through the many suggestions from many veteran matchmakers and their clients, to present the following list of tips that can help newcomers to the matchmaking field, members of matchmaking groups, and even long-time shadchanim who feel they can benefit from a refresher. These suggestions can enable you to develop a good connection with your clients, avoid misunderstandings, and help your clients achieve their goals.
* Select a rav whom you can turn to whenever a halachic question arises. Speak to himbefore you embark on this undertaking, to clarify issues such as what halacha (Jewish law) says about “stretching the truth”, guidelines as to when a client has to reveal certain kinds of sensitive information, and how you can handle the client’s obligation to pay shadchanis gelt (a fee to the matchmaker) if the match is successful (this is also issue when you have decided to be a matchmaker as an act of chesed and are not charging a fee for your services).
*Familiarize yourself with the halachos of lashon hora (slander) and richilus (tale bearing) as they relate to shidduchim. This actually is something that everyone involved in dating should do - matchmakers, daters, and families and friends of singles. In spite of our best intentions, we may unwittingly transgress these prohibitions and have the potential to do permanent damage to another Jew’s reputation and to their future. Or, because we want to avoid these aveiros (transgressions of Jewish law), we may withhold vital information that we should disclose to avoid deception or prevent a tragedy. The Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation has excellent materials on this subject. You can contact them at 1-800-867-2482 (calls from outside the U.S.A. should add the international dialing code).
Starting Your Relationship With a Client
* Meet face-to-face for your first meeting. You get a better sense of what someone is like when you meet in person. If you have enough time, plan on speaking with each other for close to an hour. Before you meet, ask them to fill out a questionnaire that asks basic details like hashkafa, education, family background, career, where they would be willing to live, and interests. Use your meeting as an opportunity to get a sense of how they interact with others, how they carry themselves, and their sense of personal style. You can also learn a little about other aspects of their lives that can help you find someone well suited to them; their background, values, goals for the future, and the path they hope to take to achieve their goals.
* Ask some questions that help you learn who they are and how they got to be the person they are today. That means asking about their views of the world and society, and what middos they feel are important. What would they like to achieve in their lives over the five years? Once they are married, how would they like their home to be like on Shabbos? These are much more important considerations than their hobbies or side interests. If a client doesn’t know how to answer these questions, encourage them to go home and spend a few quiet hours writing down their thoughts, read over what they’ve written, and talk to you about it again either in person or on the telephone.
* You also want to know what your client is looking for in a dating partner. Some clients have a list that’s as long as your arm and believe you’ll be able to match them up point-by-point to their dream man or woman. Encourage them to think on a smaller scale. Can they identify just four qualities that make them a unique, fine person and four important qualities they would like to see in their future spouse? That small list of answers will make easier to focus your matchmaking efforts on people who are the most suitable for your client. It’s also a good idea to ask them what qualities they do not want their future spouse to possess.
* If your client has been dating a while, ask them about their overall dating experiences. Encourage them to briefly describe their past pattern of dating and their positive and negative observations about it. This information might help you better understand the type of person that is good for them, or issues they may need to address.
Explain the Matchmaker-Client Relationship
Let your client know how the two of you will work together. A good way to do this is on a pre-printed set of guidelines the client can keep. The guidelines can include:
a. A description of the procedure you’ll follow if you have a suitable match (who gets called first, when are names and telephone numbers given out, who arranges the actual date).
b. A disclaimer that you don’t guarantee finding someone for them, and that it may take time before you have suitable idea to discuss with them.
c. A list of your telephone hours and the emergent circumstances under which clients can call you at other times. Enforce your telephone policy; if you allow this very important chesed (kindness) work to compete with you personal life or your job, you may burn out very quickly. You may want to use a special telephone number just for your shidduch work, and to use an answering machine with a message explaining your telephone hours.
d. An explanation of the client’s obligation to check references. Some clients are not aware that the matchmaker doesn’t have the time to check out a prospective shidduch, and that this should be the client’s responsibility. This should be clarified at the first meeting. If your client is new to shidduch dating and doesn’t know how to go about checking out a prospective dating partner, the article “Checking it Out” is a good introduction to the art of checking out a prospective dating partner.
e. An explanation of your policy about fees. It may be helpful to have a preprinted explanation of fees – registration fee, payment if the match is successful, or donation to charity if the client becomes engaged.
Don’t Forget These at Your Meeting
*Ask each client for contact information for two or three members of the organized Jewish community who are willing to serve as their references. Encourage the client to speak with these people at length to update them about their present situation in life. The client should understand that you will pass this contact information on to potential dating partners.
* Clarify whether you are also expected to facilitate financial arrangements. This is common in some circles, and doesn’t happen in others. When you first take on a client, clarify what their expectations are and what you are ready to do.
* Ask the clients to let you know if they become engaged, even if it is not to someone you introduced to them. They may not realize that you keep them in mind even when you don’t have a prospect readily available.
What to Do When You Have an Idea For a Match
* When you have an idea for a match, explain to your client why you think the person you have in mind would be a good dating partner for them. Do you see values that are the same, or do you think that the couple’s personalities might jell nicely? Is there a quality about the prospective date that makes you think they will be good match for this client? You might want to use the “four plus four” approach to help you market the potential dating partner as a good person to consider.
*Expect that clients will want to check out your suggestion. Provide them with contact information for references, and ask them to get back to you as soon as they can. You may have to be a middle-person for an exchange of more information. And don’t get discouraged, or take it personally, if after checking things out a client turns down your suggestion because it doesn’t seem right for them. You made a suggestion based on information you had; your client based her decision on additional information she learned when she researched the other person.
* Let your male client know you want to set the tone for a pleasant first date by offering unsolicited advice. Discuss with him the type of atmosphere the woman has said makes a pleasant first date and suggest he let his date know in advance what he has planned so she can dress accordingly. Tell him that you give all male clients the following pointers: that the idea time frame for a first date is between 2 and 3 hours; that if he’s got an evening date it’s advisable to shower put on fresh clothes after a long work day; and that he should always plan in advance how they’ll get to their destination, have a back-up destination, remember his wallet, and make sure his date gets home safely by either putting her on a taxi or bus or escorting her home.
*Does your client need a heads up that can prevent an awkward situation? If so, it’s a good idea to tell a man that his date is a vegetarian, or tell a woman that her date may be shy at first but is great to talk to if she gives him some time to warm up.
* Wish your clients a good first date, and encourage them to go on that date with only one expectation - that this is a nice person to meet – and only one goal – to see if there is enough that will get them to the second date. Many clients react positively to your encouragement that they treat the first date as a chance to break the ice, and nothing more, and that they assume that if the first date is parve, or better, that they ill agree to go out again.
After the First Date
* Ask your clients to contact after the first date. Both should call you within a day, during your telephone hours, or at another convenient time. That post-first date telephone call can be as critical as all of the arrangements you have made to get a couple together in the first place. What impression did each person had about their date? If they both want to go out again, clarify whether you will arrange it or if the man will ask the woman himself. If one or both are ambivalent about a second date, try to clarify any misunderstandings, and give them reasons to consider going out again. One way is to ask them to consider their date’s positive qualities as the basis for a second date.
* If they do not want second date, find out the reason so that you can fine-tune your suggestions from the future. Clarify who will pass that information on to the other party, and do it diplomatically.
Some of your clients won’t need much help after they decide to go on a third date. Others will need your guidance for a while longer, and some will benefit from your input through the time that they decide to become engaged. You can learn some of this information by taking one of our workshops for dating advisors, networking with other matchmakers, and by reading books about dating that can give you insight into how to address some of the issues you will encounter. We suggest our own books, Talking Tachlis and In The Beginning, Shaya Ostrov’s The Inner Circle, and Gila Manolsen’s Head To Heart and Lisa Aiken’s Beyond Bashert.
We work with matchmakers regularly and are always looking to fine-tune the suggestions we give them for improving their craft. If you are a matchmaker and have some pointers you would like to share with us,
please let us know. May we all continue to work together for the benefit of klal yisroel.
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