How to Form a Matchmaking Group

Several matchmaking groups share their secrets for success

Have you and a group of friends ever discussed the possibility of making a group effort to set up people you each know? Many local kesher (Hebrew for "connection") or shidduch (Yiddish for "match") have been very successful at helping singles meet their future spouse. Here's some advice Sasson V'Simcha has learned from members of four different grass-roots kesher groups in the U.S. and Israel.

Getting Started/Getting the Word Out

Let your community know you've got a matchmaking group in the works. You can do this through an e-mail notice as well as by sending a postcard or flyer to every person in your community who may be interested in sponsoring a single. One side of the postcard or flyer can contain an invitation to the upcoming meeting, and the other side can contain a questionnaire for the sponsor to complete. The form will be used for presentation at the meeting and for later inclusion in a newsletter and archive.

Meetings

Many kesher groups find that it is optimal for them to meet once a month. At the first meeting, every sponsor gives her name and telephone number and then presents information about one or two singles, covering the categories set forth on the form. Some groups give out the singles’ names, while others refer to them by initials.  At each subsequent meeting, only new singles are presented. It is not necessary for each of the people who attend the meetings to make presentations, since they may only be attending in order to hear about potential dating partners for their singles.

If you hear a presentation about someone who sounds like an appropriate match for your single, the committee must have a uniform way for sponsors to get couples together. Here are formats that different communities use:

Making The Connection

One kesher group passes around a sign-up sheet at the end of each meeting on which attendees can indicate by number who they presented, who (if anyone) sounded like a possible match for that person, and if they know of anyone who may be a possible match for one of the other singles presented at the meeting. Blank index cards are available for sponsors to exchange telephone numbers.  Sponsors are responsibility for contacting each other and, if the singles are both interested, coordinating the first date between them.

This group assigns a different volunteer at each meeting to follow up on the results of the meeting. The follow-up person telephones every sponsor who expressed interest in a single and ascertains if the sponsors have been in touch with each other and if they have arranged for the man and woman to meet. If necessary, the follow-up person may assist the sponsors in coordinating a first date between the designated singles. 

A different kesher group has a much less formal process. It does not use a sign-up sheet. Instead, after a sponsor presents a single, she states her own telephone number so that other sponsors can contact her if they have possible matches for any of the people she has presented. The group also mixes for a while after the meeting, to enable sponsors to discuss potential matches. There is no formal follow-up procedure.

When it comes to actually coordinating a date, a third kesher group is very conscious of sensitivities. Once two sponsors decide on a possible match, the man is contacted first. If he likes the suggestion, the woman is contacted. They then call the man back to either confirm the woman's interest and coordinate arrangements or to tell him it won't work out. (This avoids having the woman feel rejected, which sometimes happens when this procedure is not followed.) The man is usually asked to telephone the woman to arrange their first date and is asked to call the sponsor back after the date to talk about how it went. Sponsors are asked to check in with the man or woman if they aren't advised that the date took place.

Another Way To Follow Up

After each meeting of the first kesher group described above, a second volunteer compiles a listing of the profiles that were presented at the meeting. The listing includes the name and telephone number of each sponsor. The listing, which can be in the form of a newsletter which announces the date and location of the next meeting and information that may interest the group, is sent to all members of the kesher group, including those who did not attend the meeting, by either e-mail or snail mail. The group may also want to permit non- members of the group to subscribe to the newsletter and to access previous issues.

Bear in mind that after a few months, the information in the newsletter may be "stale". Some people will marry, move or change their direction in life. For this reason, you may want to place a time limit on how long previous issues of the newsletter will be available.

Making The Initial Connection Is Only A Beginning

Many times, singles aren't sure if they should continue dating someone they have met. Others can benefit from advice about the best way to develop their courtship, bring their relationship to a deeper level or make decisions about a relationship. Occasionally, a man or woman may need guidance in developing their interpersonal skills.

It's a good idea for your group to find one or more volunteers who are willing to be dating mentors for singles who need the sound advice or handholding of a third party.

Suggestions for More Success

Get to know the single - Most kesher groups get started by people who want to make matches for people they already know. Often, members of the group soon find that they are asked to present people they don't know at a meeting. All of the kesher groups we spoke with recommend that sponsors spend some time getting to know the people they present, instead of relying on second-hand information. If you don't personally know an individual you may want to present, or are asked to sponsor someone, invite them for an interview over a cup of coffee. Plan to spend a half hour speaking with them, although you can talk for longer. In addition to asking them the questions on the form, it's a good idea to ask them to briefly describe their life and interests, what qualities they value most and where they see themselves in the next six months, one year and five years. One sponsor says that the following two questions reveal a lot that can help you get a better idea about what the single is like: "What makes you happy?" "What do other people like about you?"

Many groups ask singles to give the names and telephone numbers of 2 or 3 references. Sponsors don't necessarily need to contact the references, but potential dating partners may wish to do so. One sponsor recommends getting at least one reference who has known the single for a number of years, and that may mean getting the name of someone in the person's home country or state if they have been in the area for only a few months or years. She also suggests that one of the references be from a different generation than the single – a teacher, older family friend, rabbi, etc.

If you find yourself regularly receiving calls from people who want to be presented, set up telephone hours. Ask singles to call only during those hours. Don't allow yourself to get overwhelmed.

Remember that sponsoring a single doesn't mean that you have to make him or her a part of your family life or personal life. Although you may want to extend yourself to someone you already know, you don't have to invite the people you sponsor for Shabbat or get personally involved with them. You are there to facilitate introductions for dates. You can act as a mentor/dating advisor if you are comfortable in that role, but if you are not there should be someone else in the community who can do so.

Just because you interview a single doesn't mean that you must agree to present him to the kesher group. Rarely, you may be very uncomfortable sponsoring someone. If you decide against presenting a single, you may want to wait a day or more after your meeting to let them know that you don't feel comfortable making the presentation.

One sponsor suggests that you refuse to make appointments for meeting with anyone except the single. You may field inquiries from parents, relatives and friends, but if the single isn't motivated enough to subsequently call you themselves, you will be wasting your time setting up an appointment.

One kesher group asks for a photograph of each person they introduce. "Technically speaking, they are for the files and for the use of sponsors, but often they end up being shown to the singles."

There are some topics that require sensitivity. Some women should not date a Kohane. It isn't simply a question of asking a woman if she is divorced. Women from non-observant backgrounds may have been in a prior relationship that precludes them from marrying a Kohane. A potential sponsor should ask a single woman if there is anything in her background that might prevent her from marring a Kohane (and the sponsor may sometimes have to educate the single on this topic). At the same time, the sponsor should reassure the woman that this piece of information will not be told to anyone else. Instead, the sponsor will not pursue potential matches between the woman and Kohanim. If the woman's sponsor is approached by another sponsor who "represents" a Kohane, it's a good idea not to turn down the offer immediately (because the reason for the rejection will be obvious), but instead to wait a day or so and let the Kohane's sponsor know that the woman isn't interested in this match.

One sponsor suggests asking any individuals from non-observant backgrounds about their parent's backgrounds, because she once discovered that a single was not Jewish according to halacha .

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