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So You Have An Idea?
How to know if you are on the right track with a shidduch
suggestion and what to do with it
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W., and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
How many times have you come up with an idea for a shidduch? Has anything ever come of it? Perhaps you mulled it over with a friend or two and decided not to pursue it. Maybe you mentioned the person’s name and a few vague details to the man or woman for whom the match was intended, or to a family member, without telling them whom they could contact to find out more information. You could have scribbled down the idea on the back of that supermarket receipt you just threw away – now what do you do?
Perhaps you actually took the time to get some details about the person you wanted to suggest and presented it. What did you do with that information when the object of your suggestion declined it because they were dating someone else or didn’t think it sounded suitable for them? Did you write it down in case the man or woman became available in the near future? Did you consider the suggestion for someone else? A few months later, when you heard of another person who might be good for that shidduch, were you able to remember
Enough details to pursue the idea?
And what if your idea sounded good to the person who heard it? Did you leave out any information that might impact their decision to consider the match? Did you fudge some of the details you didn’t know about in order to keep the idea in play? Did you cross the line between embellishment and lying?
All of us want to see the Jewish singles we know achieve their goals and build happy, stable Jewish homes and families, and many of us try to help the process by suggesting possible matches. Since most marriages seem to be the product of these suggestions, it’s clear that some of us are doing something right. While some matches come about through blind luck, when a suggestion succeeds it’s often because the right information is presented at the right time, or because the person hearing the suggestion respects the insight and integrity of the person making it.
Why Some Suggestions Don’t Work
And then there are the matches that don’t work. Sometimes, it’s because two people who seemed to be right for each other “on paper” simply didn’t connect. It’s only by actually dating that two people can learn if they are emotionally and physically attracted to each other and have compatible personalities. The would-be matchmaker deserves credit for making a good suggestion, even though HaKodesh BaruchHu had other plans.
However, something is wrong with the process when someone returns from a date wondering why the match was ever suggested. The man and woman may have had very different values or lifestyles or lacked important qualities the other person was looking for. The mis-match could be due to a would-be matchmaker’s judgment error, the dater’s failure to do enough “research”, or other factors. In many cases, the mis-match doesn’t have to happen.
Pointers to Help Make Better Suggestions
We all know that successful matches are the result of the hishtadlus (normal effort) of singles and people who try to help them, and the will of Hashem. We can improve our own hishtadlus with the following pointers that may enable us to help more people find their partners in life:
1. Learn basic information about both of the people you want to set up. Record that information in a “shidduch notebook” that you can refer to in the future. (see the sample Shidduch Profile page for that notebook, below). Date the page so that you can update other information in the future.
2. The starting point for an idea is common values and compatible goals. Are both people moving in similar life directions? Do they feel the same basic values are important? Are their ideas about lifestyle and family life in sync?
3. Does it seem probable that each will be reasonably comfortable with the other’s background and family? Are their intelligence and energy levels compatible? Does each person have many of the personal qualities the other is seeking?
4. When you pass along an idea, give more than that person’s name and age. Provide other basic details on the profile, and add some of the reasons why you think the match might be suitable. Be sure to provide at least one contact person and number to call for more information. Is there any information that should be passed on this early, such as a prior marriage, children, Kohane status, obvious disability? If you have doubts, ask your rabbi about which information can be withheld but must be disclosed by the dater later on.
5. It’s generally more accepted to present an idea to the man first, and then to the woman if he expresses an interest in dating her. The individuals involved will probably – and should – do some research of their own, and check references before agreeing to a date. Clarify who is going to set up that date, and ask both people to get back to you afterward.
6. Some “matchmakers” will step out of the process after the couple’s first date. However, it’s a good idea to remain involved a little longer, in case you need to encourage someone with neutral feelings to go out a second time, or to clarify misunderstandings. If one or both daters are comfortable discussing things with you, you may want to mentor them during the courtship.
Shidduch Profile
Click here for a sample shidduch profile you can use in your shidduch notebook
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