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The Great Tu B’Av Project
This historically “romantic” day on the Jewish calendar is the perfect time to try
to help someone you know meet the Mr. or Ms. Right
By Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.
What is Tu B’Av?
Just six days after the Jewish people commemorate Tisha B'av, the saddest date on our calendar, comes the holiday that Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel paired with Yom Kippur as the most "joyous" festival (Mishna Ta'anis 4:8). Tu B'Av, the fifteenth day of the Hebrew month of Av, doesn't receive much fanfare in contemporary Jewish life. We note it by omitting the tachanun (a prayer for Divine mercy) during tefilla (prayer), and brides and grooms who marry on Tu B'Av aren't required to fast before their wedding ceremony. Other than these two changes in routine, we seem to have collectively forgotten that Tu B'Av had traditionally been an auspicious date to help singles find marriage partners.
You might have heard Tu B'Av referred to as the "Jewish Valentine's Day" (as if there actually could be a parallel between the two), or figured that the day has a romantic nature that is somehow tied into the proliferation of singles events held on Shabbos Nachamu, the "Shabbos of consolation" that follows Tisha B'Av. Historically, however, Tu B'Av's "romantic" connection relates as much to Jewish unity as it is to marriage. The first connection occurred when the Jewish people wandered in the desert after the Exodos from Egypt.
A man named Tzelafchad passed away and was survived by four daughters, who approached Moshe with concern that inheritance laws would prevent them from receiving a familial estate when the Land of Israel would be apportioned among the population. Hashem reminded Moshe that under Jewish law these women did inherit their father's estate, but that they must marry men in their own tribe so that the land they received would stay within it. Many years later, after the Jews conquered Eretz Yisroel and each family received their apportionment of land, this restriction was cancelled by a proclamation that was made on Tu B'Av.
Tu B’Av’s “romantic” connection
Generations later, another marriage-related act of Jewish unity took place. The tribe of Benjamin had been decimated by a civil war that had been prompted by the degenerate actions of a group of men from that tribe (Shoftim 21). In the aftermath of the war, the other tribes refused to allow their daughters to marry the 600 Benjaminte men who survived, and the tribe faced extinction. The people became concerned that that the tribe of Benjamin would die out, and they thought of two different ways to get around the ban so that each of the surviving Benjamintes would marry a Jewish wife. These unions produced children, and over the course of time the Benjaminite men who were the subject of the ban died out. On Tu B'Av of a particular year, it was determined that this generation was no longer alive, and a proclamation told the Jewish people they were free to betroth their daughters with Benjamite men.
Over the course of time, the relationship between Tu B'Av and marriage was incorporated into a custom that involved the wider Jewish population. The Mishna (Ta'anit 4:8) tells us that on Tu B'Av, as well as on Yom Kippur, the daughters of Yerushalayim would go to the vineyards on the outskirts of the city, dressed in white dresses that they all borrowed from each other, so as not to put the poor to shame. They would dance in the vineyards, and all of the bachelors would go there to choose a marriage partner. The men would be advised to choose their spouses wisely. "Lift up your eyes and see who you will choose as a wife. Don't look only at physical beauty, but look at family." Quoting from Mishlei (Proverbs) the Mishna continues, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a G-d fearing woman is the one to be praised."
The Great Tu B’Av Project revives the connection
Today, these traditions are a relic of the past. Getting a Jewish man and woman together for a date, much less seeing them make it to the chuppah, is much more complicated. Given the large numbers of Jewish men and women who can't seem to attain their goals of meeting and marrying a Jewish partner and the negative affect this phenomenon has on Jewish continuity, it seems like an appropriate time to revive the relationship between the Fifteenth of Av and Jewish marriage. This Tu B'Av marks the kick-off of "The Great Tu B'Av Project",* which aims to involve increasing numbers of men and women from throughout the Jewish community in an act of chesed , neighborly love and unity.
The idea is simple. Beginning on Tu B'Av, we'd like each happily married Jew to devote themselves to helping one unmarried Jewish man or woman they know to achieve the goal of meeting and marrying a Jewish spouse sometime during the coming year. Those of us who join in this project will not only help thousands of single Jewish men and women find a life partner with whom they can build a loving, happy and enduring life together; we will be working together to stem a growing phenomenon of long-term single-hood that threatens the future demographics of our people.
Why we should do it
Contemporary Jewish singles face a number of challenges that didn't seem to be a significant problem in earlier generations, when early marriage was a goal that general society, as well as the Jewish world, enthusiastically embraced. Today, many unmarried men and women have to overcome unrealistic expectations, fear of commitment, difficulty making a transition from casual dating to dating for marriage, and inability to work through issues that keep them from moving forward in a relationship. Often, third parties who have experience working with these issues, such as dating advisors, matchmakers, and therapists, can help singles successfully deal with these challenges. Yet, it doesn't take any particular expertise to help an unmarried friend, family member, co-worker or neighbor deal with the biggest challenge many singles face – meeting dating partners who have "good spouse potential".
Those of us who may have tried our hand in matchmaking in the past may have made our share of gaffes based on the "it can't hurt" principle - "He's a tall/short/musical/athletic/etc. male and she's a tall/short/musical/athletic/etc. female – it can't hurt to introduce them". After the blind date, when we hear, "What on earth were you thinking when you matched me up with…that?" we belatedly realize that our mistake has hurt - both the self esteem of a single who has had to endure bad blind date after bad blind date, and the fact that they may no longer regard our judgment as highly as they had in the past.
The good news is that even those of us who have made our share of mismatches can acquire the know-how that can help us make introductions that may lead to marriage. Not every match we make will be perfect, but in many cases the worst reaction to our efforts will be, "Thank you for setting me up with such a nice person. We weren't right for each other, but I hope you'll keep me in mind in the future."
The first step – choosing a friend to match up
How do we get to this point? First, decide which man or woman you would like to help and talk to them about this project and what you'd like to do. If they're open to the idea, the two of you should discuss the information that you need to know in order to help them. Even if you know the single well, it's important to discuss the following four topics: his or her values, goals, essential qualities, and what they are looking for in a future spouse.
The time of life that most of us sort through our goals and values, if we do so at all, occurs in our late teens or early twenties, when we try to figure out what we want to do with our lives. From then on, many of us run on autopilot, even though most of us go through a number of changes as we mature. Someone who wants to choose a good marriage partner should have a clear idea of the values that are important to them and the direction they'd like their life to take over the next six months, one year, and five years.
That's because the cornerstone of all successful and enduring relationships is two people with similar values and compatible goals. For your matchmaking efforts to succeed, the single you work should think these ideas through and then discuss them with you. A man or woman who has trouble thinking this far ahead may continually have trouble with relationships – someone who doesn't know what they want for themselves can't really know what they want in a life partner.
The next step – learning who they are and what they’re seeking
Many people think that the next step in helping a single is learning about their interests, talents, passions, and strengths. Believe it or not, this information isn't going to make you a better matchmaker, since most couples who marry do not share many of these points. It is much more productive to ask your single to describe the four positive qualities that define them as a unique individual. You will be focusing on these four character traits when you describe your friend to other people. Next, ask your single to select the four most important qualities they would like their future spouse to possess. It will probably take them a while to narrow their "list" down to four, but working from a short list of essential qualities is much more productive that using a gargantuan wish list that keeps growing from year to year and can never be filled. Encourage your single to accept an introduction to anyone with compatible values and goals who has these four qualities, and to think in terms of going out two or three times before deciding whether they would like to continue to date and try to build a relationship.
Now, start networking!
The next step after this groundwork is networking. Each of us has a network – our families, friends, neighbors, co-workers, rabbis, former teachers, people in our synagogue, and even acquaintances whom we respect. It's important to talk to all of the people in your network about the special person you would like to help get married. You've got all of the information you need to "promote" your friend and describe the type of person they are looking for. Yes, you might be embarrassed to make those first telephone calls, but after you approach the first few members of your network, those calls become much easier to make. It's also a good idea to talk about your single with a reputable matchmaker, and to get in touch with the people in your community who get together periodically to try to set up people they know. If you touch base with all of these people every couple of months, together you will probably come up with a number of very suitable suggestions for your single.
If you're feeling very ambitious (you don't have to – you're doing a wonderful thing by networking), why not think about becoming a dating "mentor", or finding someone else who can act as a sounding board, hand-holder, coach, and source of encouragement for your single friend? Many singles, particularly men and women who have been dating a long time without finding their match, genuinely benefit from the input of a dating mentor.
How successful will your efforts be in the long run? Ultimately, everyone who participates in the Great Tu B'Av project will succeed! As more Jews throughout the world join in this effort, thousands of people will meet their future spouses and this will influence even greater numbers to "adopt" singles of their own to help. Moreover, the fact that tens of thousands of men and women throughout the world endeavor toward the common goal of helping their fellow Jews find lifetime partners and build Jewish homes will increase the level of achdut (neighborly love) among us and hasten the coming of the final redemption of our people. What could be more successful than that?
* Yael Unterman gave us the idea of a Tu B'Av project of this nature, and we want to express our hakarat hatov(appreciation) for her insightful suggestion.
A version of this article first appeared on www.aish.com and is reprinted with its permission.
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