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A Matchmaker May Work For You!
Today's matchmaker is savvy, insightful, and may be how you meet Mr. or Ms. Right
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W., and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
When someone mentions the word, "matchmaker", do you think of Yente from Fiddler on the Roof? Many of us can't shake this image. You'd be surprised to know that the matchmaker of today may be a university professor, dentist, high school teacher, rabbi, college administrator, social worker, motivational therapist or lawyer. The modern matchmaker, or shadchan, is often a savvy, educated, insightful professional who has chosen to help the Jewish community by using his or her talents to introduce men and women to prospective dating partners. Some of the best matchmakers may not have a university degree, but have the concern, know-how and personal talent to successful match dozens of now-married couples.
Why should you use a matchmaker? The further you grow past high school and college, the fewer opportunities you have to casually meet prospective dating partners. In addition, most of those opportunities – parties, singles' events, singles bars often feel like meat markets and are not the optimal place to meet a marriage-minded Jew who's well-suited to you. Networking becomes the best way to meet someone whose goals and outlook on life are similar to yours. If you're from a yeshivish background, you already know the importance of networking to meet suitable dating partners. You also know that a matchmaker can be a part of that network, and often has resources that your friends and family lack.
We've heard people shy away from matchmakers because they think using them sends a message that they can't get a date on their own. The fact is, the majority of couples who marry in their mid-20's and upward meet through a third-party introduction. Matchmakers, like the other people in your network, are "third parties" who facilitate those introductions.
You don't need to be Orthodox to use a matchmaker. The number of shadchanim in the general Jewish community is slowly increasing, and many Jewish community federations are starting matchmaking services.
Tips That Can Help You
If you choose to work with a matchmaker, and we encourage you to do so, here are some pointers that might help the two of you work together successfully:
1. If possible, meet a few different matchmakers. Work with 1, 2 or 3 with whom you have the best rapport.
2. The matchmaker will want to interview you as much as you want to interview him or her. At the interview, find out how the matchmaker selects people for you to date, if he or she will arrange the date or expect you to make the arrangements, how he or she follows up after the date, if he or she uses information she observes from your dating experience to fine tune future suggestions, if he or she likes to coach clients throughout their dating. Also find out the hours that the matchmaker takes calls, and respect these boundaries.
3. Some matchmakers charge a fee if the pairing results in marriage, some have a registration charge, some ask for a donation to charity, others have no fee. Don't judge the value of a matchmaker by the fees he or she charges or doesn't charge. There are good and bad matchmakers in every category.
4. Don't expect a matchmaker to have a prospective date for you the first time you meet. Most matchmakers will call you when they've got a suggestion. However, a periodic telephone call from you can refresh your matchmaker’s memory and help her keep your name in mind when she goes through her data base. You can ask her if you can call every two months to touch base and see if she has any prospects for you. (Since many matchmakers like to keep client information on index cards rather than computer data bases, your telephone call makes it more likely that your card will be pulled more often.)
5. The matchmaker may introduce you to several people before you find someone you will want to date seriously. Don't get upset at the matchmaker if the first several dates don't work out. Sometimes, she’ll need to fine-tune her recommendations as she observes your dating experiences. Sometimes, she’ll see qualities in the other person that you don't see at first (which is why we recommend that most couples go on a second date, even if the first was only pareve.) If the matchmaker usually pairs you with a likeable person who is somewhat on the right track for you, then you and the matchmaker are communicating well and she’s doing a good job. If, on the other hand, the majority of pairings are unsuitable, you and the matchmaker are not working well together and you've either got to improve your communication or find another matchmaker.
6. You are responsible to check the "credentials" of any person the matchmaker suggests as a date. People sometimes lie or exaggerate. Matchmakers can't be expected to be private investigators. They should obtain references from their clients, and you should ask for these references from the matchmaker and check them out before you accept the date.
7. If you become engaged to anyone, let the matchmaker know. If the matchmaker made the introduction, you'd naturally want to spread the news. But the matchmaker also deserves to know that you're no longer a dating prospect for her other clients.
For a brief list of matchmakers, click here. If you can recommend a matchmaker to add to our list,
click here.
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