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Derech Eretz and the Matchmaker's Client
Jewish? Single? Thinking of using a matchmaker?
These pointers can help you work together to maximize your dating success.
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W., and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
Elsewhere on this website, you’ll find articles encouraging you to use all available resources to help you find the right person to marry. One of these tools is a matchmaker. If you’ve grown up in some Jewish communities, you entered the dating scene expecting that a shadchan would be one of your primary sources of suggestions for dating partners. On the other hand, you may be a little cautious about the idea of asking a complete stranger to learn enough about you to try to match you up with someone who has the qualities you’re looking for.
In either case, a matchmaker can be a terrific resource and could end up being the shliach (intermediary) who introduces you to your future spouse. Before you get there, however, it may take her some time to fine-tune her understanding of who you are and what you’re seeking. A good matchmaker will try to pair you with someone who’s “in the ballpark”. If she does so, it means she understands a lot about you and has done her homework. However, she can’t guarantee that your personalities will gel or that every small detail will fall into place. That’s really up to the One Above. A matchmaker also can’t be responsible for checking another person’s references. That’s up to you to do.
Successful matchmaking depends on many factors that have to come together at the right place and time; the matchmaker has to meet or hear of someone suitable for a client, do research about more details to see if the idea is a good one, learn that both parties are available for an introduction, and obtain each party’s approval of the idea. Frequently, a matchmaker invests hours of work into an idea she does not put forward because it turns out not to be right for her client. Other times, only one party will accept the suggestion. When everything does come together and both parties agree to go out, the matchmaker can be as anxious about the date’s success as the daters.
Not all suggestions work out. If the matchmaker and her client have a good relationship, both of them will be willing to try again…and hope that the next effort will be successful. The best matchmaker/client relationships are based upon derech eretz, (common courtesy) on the part of both the shadchan and the single man or woman. Here are some suggested guidelines that can help you build a cooperative, mutually respectful, successful relationship with a matchmaker.
1. Become familiar with the halachos (Jewish laws) of lashon hora (slander) and richilus (tale-bearing) as they relate to shidduchim . The Chofetz Chayim Heritage Foundation at 800-867-2482 has excellent materials on the subject and can point you in the direction of more resources.
2. Participate in the Dor Yesharim test for genetic compatibility for marriage. Dor Yesharim tests can let prospective dating partners know if they are both carriers for the same genetic disease that they would not want their future children to have. This way, if the matchmaker proposes someone who sounds suitable, you can check compatibility before agreeing to go out. Dor Yesharim can be reached at 718-384-6060.
3. Come prepared. Before your meeting, review your long and short terms goals and how you hope to achieve them, the values you believe are important, and the personal traits you seek in a future spouse. The matchmaker can only be of help if you have a good sense of yourself as well as a good idea of the kind of person you would like to marry.
4. Dress and groom yourself for your meeting with the matchmaker the same way you would dress for a date. Let her see you at your best. That is the mental image she will refer to when she thinks of possible dating partners.
5. At your first meeting, ask how the matchmaker works; the extent to which he expects to be involved in the shidduch process and courtship; who is expected to check out references and how; what information the matchmaker expects from you; whether he charges a fee and the amount; and how and when he is to be paid.
6. Explain to the matchmaker the role you would like her to play in your shidduch process and courtship. If your expectations are very different, reach an agreement you are both comfortable with.
7. Ask the matchmaker how often you can telephone him, and if he has preferred telephone hours or days. Respect the matchmaker's boundaries and don't call after those hours. If the matchmaker doesn't limit telephone hours, nevertheless be a mensch and don't call too late at night, too early in the morning, or a few hours before Shabbos or Yom Tov.
8. Be honest. Certainly, there are certain facts the matchmaker will have to know, and be told with honesty. There will be other information that need only be told to a dating partner, and still other information that can remain private. If you have a medical issue, age issue, problematic background, or aren't sure about disclosing something, discuss it with a rav to learn to whom and when it should be disclosed.
9. Only work with a matchmaker whose discretion and judgment you trust. If she seems to be working in your best interests, usually recommending people who are suitable even if not exactly what you are looking for, you're both on the right track.
10. If a trusted matchmaker encourages you to try a second date even though your first one was parve , consider his advice, and if he is willing to give guidance throughout the courtship and you feel he can be helpful, take advantage of this service. In addition, if such a matchmaker offers a suggestion about grooming, manners, or another sensitive subject, consider that it was made with your best interests in mind and was not intended as criticism or to be insensitive.
11. On the other hand, if you are not comfortable with a matchmaker and want to stop working together, give her the courtesy of letting her know you are ending the relationship. She may not work the way you prefer, your personalities may not be compatible, or you may not feel she is meeting your needs. There is no need to disparage her to others. If you feel that there is something terribly wrong or inappropriate about the way she works, consult with a rav whose judgment and discretion you trust, and ask a shaila (question) about whether this issue should be addressed and by whom.
12. Respect the matchmaker's time. Most spend hours arranging each potential shidduch. If something doesn't sound right from the beginning, ask for more information. If it still doesn't sound right, tell him you are not interested before he spends more time working on something that you know from the outset isn't going to be suitable for you. Understand that even the best matchmakers are not perfect.
13. Let the matchmaker know if you become engaged. She could be working on a potential shidduch for you and not know your status.
14. Pay the matchmaker the agreed upon fee in the proper time frame. If the matchmaker does not request a fee, you may nevertheless have a halachic obligation to give her a payment of a gift. Follow the advice of your rav in this regard.
15. Recognize the importance of hakaras hatov. Thank him for his effort, even if a suggestion isn't right for you. Thank her for setting you up with someone who was close to what you were looking for, even though it didn't ultimately succeed. And certainly, thank the shadchan if the shidduch is successful.
For a brief list of matchmakers, click here. If you can recommend a matchmaker to add to our list,
click here.
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